Apparently I’m going to have two Monday’s this week. See yesterday’s post for reference…
Morning’s in my house make me want to become a real deal, alcoholic. Full on committed. None of this a beer after a long day at work bullshit. Like full on, drink out of a square bottle because the round ones roll away, alcoholic. .
My children. Those precious little beings that destroyed my vagina and sanity, are terrorists Monday- Friday at precisely 7:15 AM when it’s time to leave for school and work. It’s clock work. It’s as guaranteed as a bird shitting on my recently washed car. This morning for instance, my five year old was in mass hysteria because I put his english muffin on the table. Yep. Because how dare I remove it from the toaster, slather it in peanut butter, and cut into cute little shapes for him? He doesn’t LIKE his spot at the table any more. He NEEDS his brother’s spot at the table.
I lit the whole fucking table on fire.
Then my bestie, like she can see my mental white flag being waved in the air, text me that it was national coffee day. She has always been my voice of reason. But me.. .being the negative nancy that I am, responded with this…
Because again, I am committed to this whole alcoholic thing. I’m no quitter.
Also, I’m not currently drinking coffee SO while normally this would be a whole lot like celebrating my birthday, now it’s like it was created just to mock me. I don’t miss coffee, since I have my spark, but I miss the IDEA of coffee.
I’m holding fast. I will not give in. Not to the terrorists or to the nectar of the gods.
Instead I will go home, lock myself in a closet, pour some whiskey in my sippy cup and self soothe.. Also.. I’ll look into getting a new table.
Because after all, I have standards people.
Update to 7 mintues later: I gave in. I have no standards. Zero fucks will be given. This triple shot americano with sugar free coconut is sex in my mouth. YOLO. (for the record, I don’t seriously use the word YOLO except to mock anyone who thinks they can say it and be taken seriously… sort of like flat billed hats).