Back to the basics: Tips to a Healthy Lifestyle

Here we go peeps. You’ve decided you’re tired of being tired. You want to eat healthier without feeling like you have to give up EVERYTHING. Or maybe you want to start the infamous 24 day challenge. Kinda intense right?

I promise, it’s not. It’s actually way easier than I thought it would be. I hyped myself up BIG time and looking back it’s hard not to laugh.

So, while I’m sure I will think of more things along the way.. here’s a quick simple break down of what will make these 24 days breeze by..or if you’re smart how to make a permanent change totally doable. YOU GOT THIS!

  1. Shaker Bottle. 61jC+v6qnUL._SL1500_

I cannot express enough how this will make a WORLD of difference with Adovcare. I remember the first day of my first challenge pouring the fiber drink and just using a fork to stir. I knew that I had been duped and this would be the death of me. The vomit. Oh man. SO SO SO bad. Then move on to the Spark that everyone raves about.. mix it with a fork. What the hell was this shit?!?!? It was like I had clumps of playdough stuck to my teeth. THEN the meal replacement shake.. again, with the fork… SWEET BABY JESUS. It was like Satan himself created this shit. Day Two: Get the shaker, shake everything instead of forking it (that’s what she said). Smooth sailing guys. I’ll tell you what, click the link above and order a challenge, I’ll buy you a shaker myself ūüôā


2. Condiments!IMG_1790 (1)

Finding good substitutes are essential to making it through.You truly don’t realize all the added sugars, calories, chemicals etc you are consuming until you do something like this. The above condiments I have found to be lifesavers.

Garlic Expressions can be used as a salad dressing, but I used it more as a marinade. It has a kick ass fresh garlic flavor.

Girards Light Champagne dressing is honest to god, life changing. I’m a ranch girl. I lovvvve a good creamy homemade ranch. Generally, I avoid it, but haven’t ever been able to get super into a salad because well to be honest, it wasn’t doused in creamy calorie filled goodness. So naturally, find a dressing referencing booze and I’m in love. I could drink this shit. I could bathe in it.

Vegenaise is just the shit. I love me some mayo y’all. I’d use it on a slip in slide if it didn’t make my ass jiggle like a Nicki Minaj video. I truly, 100%, cannot taste the difference.

Braggs. Oh Braggs. I just can’t say enough good things about it. Same taste as soy, but not so salty that if tastes like your making out with a mermaid. Gives great flavor to just about anything. The other night I satueed some mushrooms in coconut oil and threw in some Bragg Liquid Aminos. Simple. Easy. Delish.

3. Convenience. IMG_1789 (1)

Now, you can tell me all damn day to meal plan or you will fail at eating clean. It’s true. You’re more prone to rape a snickers if you don’t have anything handy in the heat of the moment. So what can we do to just forget about meal planning for a minute, cool our jets, and get the Nazi outta the kitchen? We have to find things that allow us to be spontaneous too otherwise we wouldn’t ever be able to leave the house. I found this gem of a salad while taking the beasts to Subway. DUDES. Even before changing my bad eating habits I loved me a good chopped salad. This was fab. First, it’s HUGE, you can add as much as you want (minus cheese and crappy meats). I threw in literally almost all the veggies they had (minus tomatoes, that shit is nasty), grilled chicken breast and then waited til I got home and added some of my champagne dressing. You could totally use vinegar and oil, or splurge and get one of their light dressing. If nothing else, while some things may add calories, they can be HEALTHIER calories. For instance, that big ass salad with a little bit of ranch is way better for you than opting for a sandwich instead.

4. Mung Bean Pasta916ANjLl+cL._SY679_

I tried to get on the spaghetti squash bandwagon. I’m not going to lie. It tastes like straight ass. I get get behind it. It does not taste like pasta! Now I won’t lie, I’ve only used the mung bean pasta a couple times and while the texture and taste are different, it’s SO much better than other subsitutes I’ve tried. Thing whole grain pasta. It’s obviously not the bleached enriched pasta that sticks to the deepest parts of our soul, it’s better for you and still tastes pretty damn decent. I’ll keep you posted on future endeavors with it.

5. Menus IMG_2052

Yup. Menus. Now, I won’t even act like I stick to this all the time. Also, that really is the type of shit I write all the time. I will never feel comfortable not adding booze to a menu, even if I have to adult and cross it off. I’m also the type of person that likes to go to the store once or twice (if needed) a week. If I shop for any more than that crap will go bad because I will veer from the menu and then my kitchen will smell like ass. So I plan a week at a time for meals throughout the week and usually hit up the store sometime on the weekend. I make a simple menu because I do work full time and time is never on my side. I know that a few days out of my week will be shit and I’m not going to feel like making some Julia Child masterpiece. If by the end of the day I get a wild hair up my ass and feel fancy, I’ll hit up the store and do it. Also any excuse to use this totally adorbs menu planner is a good one in my book! Click any of the highlighted menu buttons in this post to get your own!


To summarize, life’s about balance. Sometimes I do really well utilizing all these and in the heat of the moment I realize how much easier these things make my life. Other times I say fuck everything and I will have whiskey for dinner and quit my job and start stripping. There’s no sense in pressuring yourself into failing. Try it. stick to it for a bit, and if it doesn’t work try something else. Life’s not that serious peeps.

Click any of the hyperlinks above to get direct access to Amazon Prime and it’ll be on your doorstep in two days!

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I’m in love with the mailman.

He’s amazing. Or she amazing. I have no idea, nor do I care. Because since Monday sucked…. then Tuesday sucked. Then my dealer delivered.

I may have a problem.

I don’t care about that either.

Because I built an Advocare tower today.

I’m a toddler with bills, essentially.


*Insert Amazing Grace ballad here*

If you saw the last weeks of posts. You’d know that I enjoy me some whiskey on more than the rare occasion. You may think that makes me a hypocrite since I get equally excited about Pumpkin Spice Meal Replacement shakes. Life is about balance. If you are looking for someone whose is so strict they will wipe their ass with an organic locally grown kale leaf… clearly you’re in the wrong place. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with someone who chose to wipe their ass with a organic locally grown kale leaf. It would be refreshing I would think.. very Survivorish.

For real though, I’m not a breakfast person, and the age old advice of course is “EAT BREAKFAST”. I can’t make my mouth move that much before 10 AM. The idea of getting a spoon to my mouth without wearing it in my hair for the rest of the day is just comical. See above statement about toddler with bills. There’s a number of reason why they say this. It fires up your metabolism, fuller longer, eat less throughout the day, the list of benefits is a mile long. But like most, I didn’t give two shits about it because it didn’t involve the words mimosas or espresso. Now THAT is a breakfast to get behind.

However, the whole reason I’m doing this is because I’m tired of feeling like shit. For the last 15 years, I haven’t eaten breakfast so let’s put our heads together and use some logic here: THAT’S NOT FUCKING WORKING. So baby steps, like a pumpkin shake that tastes like a Starbucks Frapp. First world problems.

I do that the second I start feeling hungry, which is generally around 10 or 11. Have the shake, boom I’m full for another 3-4 hours. That puts lunch time at 2-3. Then lunch time, dinner early around 5ish and then nothing else to eat¬†for the rest of the day. I pound water like I’m defending the league title in beer pong, and I don’t lose at beer pong.

I’ve lost 13 pounds in 22 days. Think about that. T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N pounds.

By ADDING calories to my diet.

If you’re a skeptic of Advocare, I get it, I was too. But skeptic or not, I got thirteen less LB’s jiggling in my drawers.

Now to work on getting to lose it somewhere else besides my up top itty bitties.

(Click the pic above to get your hands on your own punkin’s peeps!)

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Heaven and Ice

Just look at it…LOOK. AT. IT.



Put it in and around my mouth.

It’s summer in a glass, on this cold Fall day. I’m already in denial.

It started innocently enough. I just felt like some iced tea. Then I had some peach mixer and obviously peach ice tea sounded way better than regular ice tea. Then I had some Honey Jack too.. and well, alcohol always sounds better than non-alcoholic. So I decided we needed to have a little orgy of delight right here in this little glass.

This is what you need…


Look I even made it pretty for you guys. Believe me, ANY time I’m in the kitchen it’s a drunken fucking¬†tornado. So don’t take this effort lightely.

Recipe below!


Peach Mixer (or any flavor if you want to switch it up)
Home Brewed Sweet Tea- If you don’t have a recipe, just ask.
Fresh Lemon
Honey Jack


FIll glass 3/4 way full with icel
Do two-three good globs of Peach Mixer depending on your taste
Squeeze of fresh lemon wedge
2-3 ounces of Honey jack (or 4-5 in my case)
FIll the rest with sweet tea.
Give a good stir and try not to stroke out from the goodness.

Quick, light, and refreshing! That’s what she said… never.

Enjoy kids!


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Half Ass Meal Prep

I tried meal prepping for like a week… annnnd 5 out of 7 meals end up not getting any further than a tupperware container pushed to the back of my fridge.

I saw this on’s blog. She is hilarious. Go check her out.


So I invented Meg’s way of meal prepping, also known as the half ass way. Now let me be clear, I don’t half ass anything.¬†I’m in no way lazy, but to put it simpy, I’m practical. I know that if I eat the same exact meal for 2-3 days in a row… it’s not going to sound appealing the other 4-5 days.¬†Instead I make enough of each food group I’m focusing on to interchange them.

This last Saturday I decided to do some hardcore Julia Child shit in my kitchen. I threw some frozen chicken breasts in my crock pot. I still don’t understand why I don’t have my own food network show.

I literally took 4 chicken breasts, splashed in like 4-5 “globs” of chicken broth and then one decent size pour of salsa. Okay, okay, I also threw in some seasoning. But I don’t remember exactly which ones I used. It was whichever ones didn’t require me to get the damn step stool to find.

Then I got real crazy and cooked some turkey burger.

THEN I went totally ape shit and made a whole bunch of tuna salad (with vegenaise)

So what I do, is not meal prepping. It’s packing my damn lunch. But nonetheless, this gives me a few quick options on nights I would rather have whiskey for dinner, and my children aren’t over the age of 12 yet so they have to consume actual sustenance.

All that aside, here’s a glimpse of what I pack and take to work.

IMG_1776 (1)

Some days, it all gets eaten. Some days none of it does. Some days I pack it and forget every single damn thing at home. Some days I think this is horse shit and I want a damn chalupa.

But the point is, having quick access to food. That’s the MOST important thing. Having it readily available so it’s even more convenient than going out and eating your feelings because you still haven’t gotten over the fact that Derek was killed and Meredith just pulled the plug¬†without letting anyone even say their goodbyes. Amy could of saved him god damnit!

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I gave up coffee.


That stuff was the sweet nectar of my life. From the moment I woke up when my love brought me my first cup of the day as a barter to get my ass out of bed, which at 5 AM is a lot like a scene from The Exorcist, until the moment I would wind down at the end of the night with a cup on my night stand. Coffee and oxygen were one in the same. Hot, Iced, intravenously, weak, strong, black, creamy, crappy, decent, I didn’t discriminate. Just give me the damn juice.

But, in all my years of drinking coffee, it never really did anything for me. There was no sudden, or gradual even, burst of energy. It didn’t get me through an afternoon slump or make a Monday any less of a Monday. To put it simply, I just liked the taste. Kind of like bacon. Doesn’t do a damn thing for you, but I’d sure as shit punch a kitten for some.

SO… when I jumped head first into the Advocare world, I about stroked out when I realized they don’t advise drinking coffee on the challenge. It was like I was reading a foreign language. No coffee? I don’t understand. What does that mean? Nooooo, coffffeeeeeee? Even sounding it out didn’t help.

But whatever.. I paid for the shit so you better believe I’m gonna do what it says.. or at least try it.¬†I’ve heard about this Spark drink they all hoot and holler about but believe me there is no replacement for the lifelong friendship I’ve had with espresso. None. It’s the bloods and the crips as far as I’m concerned.

Then I tried it.

I’ll be a son of a bitch.

It’s amazing.. of course… because anything I throw a fit about is almost always sure to turn around and make me look like an idiot.

It’s kind of like when you go to take a picture of something with your phone and it’s out of focus. You touch the object you’re trying to snap a photo of and it focuses in and is crystal clear. That’s Spark.

What’s better than Spark mixed with water per the instructions?

THIS. IMG_1691

Heaven help me.

Directions (super complicated here folks):

  • Mix one scoop spark with 4 oz water in protein shaker.
  • Pour 4 oz over ice in large glass as shown above
  • Then pour in any flavor La Croix sparkling water.
  • Squeeze around a quarter of a lime
  • Give a good stir
  • Die happy.

The end.



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