Real Talk. 6 Steps of Grief.

Now, if you’ve looked at more than one of my blog posts, or follow me on twitter or instagram, you know that I’m not one for a whole lot of seriousness. Eff that noise, right?!

But I haven’t been completely honest with y’all and figured I may as well get that out of the way here in the beginning.

I spend most of my days, missing someone. I’m not talking the dude I broke up with over a bad brunch and whiskey breath. I mean truly, missing someone. Missing their BEING. Missing the idea of that human being being alive somewhere on this earth. Anywhere. That is missing someone. I had previously taken that notion for-granted. I missed a whole lot of people in the same way I missed a new decent episode of Greys Anatomy. It took a few funerals, a few holes in my heart, to understand what missing one truly meant.

I have said goodbye eleven times in the last seven years without having any say so. I have thrown “dirt” over eleven “coffins” (some or most were cremated). I have prayed eleven times to take my own life rather than theirs. A part of me has died eleven different times in the last seven years. Letting the idea of that sink in is a lot like watching paint dry. Painful and useless. But god, do I miss them.

The degrees of each one are different, I won’t lie about that. But Jesus, there isn’t much I wouldn’t give to hear the sound of their voice again. Note, that even typing that, I close my eyes as if it’s instinct, to hear the faint sound of that memory. They are alive somewhere in there. Somewhere in the person that I used to be when they were alive. Because it changes every time you see. Every time a life ceases to exist, yours changes. Some for the better. Some it was that “aha” moment of, “LIFE IS SHORT! LIVE EACH DAY!!!”. But for some, like me, we already knew what we had, we just didn’t want to imagine a life without it.

I am no expert. Let me be clear with that. But I can tell you from experience, what life will be like once you’ve crossed that line.

1.) You will laugh again… but it will sound different. Something about it will just feel different. That may be guilt, or it may just be fake. But it’s laughter and if nothing else, it’s hoping that there is still a life worth smiling for.

2.) Music, poems, quotes, movies… it will all strike a different chord. Because you hadn’t quite known how to feel that in the deepest part of your being before, and that’s okay… You do now though, you just FEEL it, in a part of yourself that you didn’t know existed. For instance, for me, whenever I hear “Everything happens for a reason.” it makes me want to just explode out of my own fucking skin. What was the reason? Why was THAT reason more important than that person here, living, with me, with the people that loved them? WHY was the reason more important than the PERSON who I am so desperately mourning?

3.) You will be a tornado of feelings. Some days you will feel so pissed you could set someone on fire just by looking at them. Some days you will feel so much sadder than the definition you will literally feel like you are drowning. Oxygen feels like shattered glass being inhaled. Other days, you will feel so empty. Just depleted of everything. You wish you could be sad, or mad, or just hurt. Because that would mean you feel… something. Also note, that on the worst day, you will feel all of these in a single day. Every hour bringing on something worse than the last.

4.) Guilt. So. Much. Guilt. Guilt for laughing. For having fun. For making memories. For living. Survivors guilt. Not in the heat of the moment, but the second that gut aching laugh dies down. There will be a moment of quiet… like a hiccup. A moment when for an instant you have to put your hands on something flat just so you can keep the world from spinning, a moment to bring yourself to the reality of the situation. It is okay to smile again. To feel. It is okay. But, also it’s okay to miss them in that moment. It’s okay. Tell yourself that. Don’t be confused with saying “I’m okay”, tell yourself “It’s okay… it’s okay to miss you, it’s okay to not know how to do anything. It’s okay to just be okay.”

5.) You will barter. Please do not judge me. But there have been times when in the heat of the moment, I have thought, “I will give my life just to hear you. Just to FEEL you. Please. PLEASE! I will give everything.” I meant it. I did. In that moment, there is not a single thing on this earth I wouldn’t give to just, feel you. “Please. God, Please. Hear me.” Don’t beat yourself up over that. Anyone whose lost anyone has thought that and then some. And if you find someone who denies that.. fuck them. They are the lucky and rare ones I suppose.

6.) You will forget. The only thing worst than living with death is forgetting the pieces of those who died. How in the hell do you move on from that? From forgetting someone’s memory? I wish I had an answer. You don’t move on. But listen to me when I tell you, just when you think you have forgotten, truly forgotten, something will happen. Whether it’s real or your subconscious just made it up to cope, something will happen. In that something, you may be flooded or just barely enlightened, of what used to be. One day I swear to god I heard him, not someone who sounded like him, I heard HIM. I was talking to someone at the store, about something I couldn’t give two shits about and I swear I heard him in the next aisle over. Something about olives I think. But it was his voice. I heard it. Memories flooded me like fireworks on the Fourth of July. BAM BAM BAM… there he was… I never forgot… I just didn’t remember. That’s okay. Let yourself feel that.

Please know, that to this day, I still do not know how to exist in a world that they do not. I have no idea. How are they not anywhere on this earth? I don’t know. I do know what it’s like to feel guilty to be alive. I can talk to you all day about that. But what I have figured out is, to let yourself feel all of these things. If you’re like me, find a time a place alone to feel them. Let them be real. Let the memory of them and the sadness of letting them go, let all of it be real and feel it. If not, you yourself will turn into something they wouldn’t remember.

I am so tired of saying goodbye without having the choice, but I am more tired of not living. So live, if not for you, than for them.

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Back to the basics: Tips to a Healthy Lifestyle

Here we go peeps. You’ve decided you’re tired of being tired. You want to eat healthier without feeling like you have to give up EVERYTHING. Or maybe you want to start the infamous 24 day challenge. Kinda intense right?

I promise, it’s not. It’s actually way easier than I thought it would be. I hyped myself up BIG time and looking back it’s hard not to laugh.

So, while I’m sure I will think of more things along the way.. here’s a quick simple break down of what will make these 24 days breeze by..or if you’re smart how to make a permanent change totally doable. YOU GOT THIS!

  1. Shaker Bottle. 61jC+v6qnUL._SL1500_

I cannot express enough how this will make a WORLD of difference with Adovcare. I remember the first day of my first challenge pouring the fiber drink and just using a fork to stir. I knew that I had been duped and this would be the death of me. The vomit. Oh man. SO SO SO bad. Then move on to the Spark that everyone raves about.. mix it with a fork. What the hell was this shit?!?!? It was like I had clumps of playdough stuck to my teeth. THEN the meal replacement shake.. again, with the fork… SWEET BABY JESUS. It was like Satan himself created this shit. Day Two: Get the shaker, shake everything instead of forking it (that’s what she said). Smooth sailing guys. I’ll tell you what, click the link above and order a challenge, I’ll buy you a shaker myself 🙂

 

2. Condiments!IMG_1790 (1)

Finding good substitutes are essential to making it through.You truly don’t realize all the added sugars, calories, chemicals etc you are consuming until you do something like this. The above condiments I have found to be lifesavers.

Garlic Expressions can be used as a salad dressing, but I used it more as a marinade. It has a kick ass fresh garlic flavor.

Girards Light Champagne dressing is honest to god, life changing. I’m a ranch girl. I lovvvve a good creamy homemade ranch. Generally, I avoid it, but haven’t ever been able to get super into a salad because well to be honest, it wasn’t doused in creamy calorie filled goodness. So naturally, find a dressing referencing booze and I’m in love. I could drink this shit. I could bathe in it.

Vegenaise is just the shit. I love me some mayo y’all. I’d use it on a slip in slide if it didn’t make my ass jiggle like a Nicki Minaj video. I truly, 100%, cannot taste the difference.

Braggs. Oh Braggs. I just can’t say enough good things about it. Same taste as soy, but not so salty that if tastes like your making out with a mermaid. Gives great flavor to just about anything. The other night I satueed some mushrooms in coconut oil and threw in some Bragg Liquid Aminos. Simple. Easy. Delish.

3. Convenience. IMG_1789 (1)

Now, you can tell me all damn day to meal plan or you will fail at eating clean. It’s true. You’re more prone to rape a snickers if you don’t have anything handy in the heat of the moment. So what can we do to just forget about meal planning for a minute, cool our jets, and get the Nazi outta the kitchen? We have to find things that allow us to be spontaneous too otherwise we wouldn’t ever be able to leave the house. I found this gem of a salad while taking the beasts to Subway. DUDES. Even before changing my bad eating habits I loved me a good chopped salad. This was fab. First, it’s HUGE, you can add as much as you want (minus cheese and crappy meats). I threw in literally almost all the veggies they had (minus tomatoes, that shit is nasty), grilled chicken breast and then waited til I got home and added some of my champagne dressing. You could totally use vinegar and oil, or splurge and get one of their light dressing. If nothing else, while some things may add calories, they can be HEALTHIER calories. For instance, that big ass salad with a little bit of ranch is way better for you than opting for a sandwich instead.

4. Mung Bean Pasta916ANjLl+cL._SY679_

I tried to get on the spaghetti squash bandwagon. I’m not going to lie. It tastes like straight ass. I get get behind it. It does not taste like pasta! Now I won’t lie, I’ve only used the mung bean pasta a couple times and while the texture and taste are different, it’s SO much better than other subsitutes I’ve tried. Thing whole grain pasta. It’s obviously not the bleached enriched pasta that sticks to the deepest parts of our soul, it’s better for you and still tastes pretty damn decent. I’ll keep you posted on future endeavors with it.

5. Menus IMG_2052

Yup. Menus. Now, I won’t even act like I stick to this all the time. Also, that really is the type of shit I write all the time. I will never feel comfortable not adding booze to a menu, even if I have to adult and cross it off. I’m also the type of person that likes to go to the store once or twice (if needed) a week. If I shop for any more than that crap will go bad because I will veer from the menu and then my kitchen will smell like ass. So I plan a week at a time for meals throughout the week and usually hit up the store sometime on the weekend. I make a simple menu because I do work full time and time is never on my side. I know that a few days out of my week will be shit and I’m not going to feel like making some Julia Child masterpiece. If by the end of the day I get a wild hair up my ass and feel fancy, I’ll hit up the store and do it. Also any excuse to use this totally adorbs menu planner is a good one in my book! Click any of the highlighted menu buttons in this post to get your own!

 

To summarize, life’s about balance. Sometimes I do really well utilizing all these and in the heat of the moment I realize how much easier these things make my life. Other times I say fuck everything and I will have whiskey for dinner and quit my job and start stripping. There’s no sense in pressuring yourself into failing. Try it. stick to it for a bit, and if it doesn’t work try something else. Life’s not that serious peeps.

Click any of the hyperlinks above to get direct access to Amazon Prime and it’ll be on your doorstep in two days!

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My heart bleeds and beats, for Roseburg today.

 

I don’t post much about anything too serious on FB, Twitter, my blog or anywhere publicly, but especially about politics.

I respect other people’s views, even or especially so when they’re different from mine.

Ten people lost their lives today. TEN PEOPLE. Twenty others were wounded physically. Countless others wounded emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Lives changed today.

Our President of the United States spoke to us as a nation.

This is the 15th time in his reign of presidency he’s gotten up on that podium to address an unfathomable school shooting.

Gun control is a hot topic, especially around my neck of the woods. We’re a small town, we like our guns, and most of us have been educated enough to know how to use them safely, consciously, and effectively. We aren’t far from our friends in Roseburg. We share the same rivers and hillsides as they do.

People are frustrated at our president’s lack of tact and empathy by turning his speech into one of politics. “He didn’t even wait for a final body count”, they say. “He was cold and angry, all about pushing his political agenda”.

I will say it again, TEN PEOPLE DIED TODAY.

Why isn’t everyone cold and angry? Why isn’t everyone screaming at the top of their lungs that we absolutely will not tolerate this? Why aren’t we exhausted like he was today, exuberated and broken? Why aren’t we willing to give up whatever the hell it takes to help prevent this from happening again?

Do I agree with gun control? Not particularly.

Am I okay with going through whatever process I have to go through to obtain my weapon of choice? Absolutely.

Why aren’t you?

If anything, I would of spoke sooner. I would of addressed our nation with the same desperation as our President did today, yet with far less tact and said “I will be damned if I will set aside my agenda for one man to take any life, let alone ten and not let him hear me fucking roar”.

Because if those police officers wouldn’t have gunned him down… I would have used something much different to take his life. I wouldn’t have needed a background check, a psych eval, or a visa to decide his punishment. I also wouldn’t of used the .38 I have locked away in my closet…that I purchased legally, in ordinance with the law, without any trouble or anymore hassle than choosing paper or plastic at the grocery store.

Our President may not have been your first, third, or 15th choice to run our nation. You may have thought he was callous and negligent in his speech today. But I saw something different. I saw someone who felt much like I did today. I am tired. I am tired of praying for the lives of family members of those left behind. I do not, I will not, accept the behavior or acts of recklessness and carelessness that happened today. What I will do however, is do absolutely anything and everything to help change that.

You are condemning the President of the United States for making the tragic events that happened today about politics and not about the lives that were taken today. Yet you are taking the tragic events of today and turning them into politics as well. You are turning it now, into a debate. Rather than not acknowledging the statements you disagreed with and posting about the families, the loved ones that lost someone today… the people’s whose lives changed today. Forever. You’re taking broken hearts and shattered futures and turning it into drama to post YOUR political agenda. Rather than saying, “While I may not agree with what our President addressed today, my heart and my focus is on those who didn’t have time, nor a care, to hear what he had to say. THAT’S what I care about today.”

Because that is what I care about today. My heart bleeds and beats for Roseburg today. Not for your views of our Presidents shortcomings. My heart bleeds and beats for all of us, as should yours.12075024_943150002419324_5589083859121003382_n

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National Coffee Day and the Seventh Circle of Hell

Apparently I’m going to have two Monday’s this week. See yesterday’s post for reference…

Morning’s in my house make me want to become a real deal, alcoholic. Full on committed. None of this a beer after a long day at work bullshit. Like full on, drink out of a square bottle because the round ones roll away, alcoholic. .

My children. Those precious little beings that destroyed my vagina and sanity, are terrorists Monday- Friday at precisely 7:15 AM when it’s time to leave for school and work. It’s clock work. It’s as guaranteed as a bird shitting on my recently washed car. This morning for instance, my five year old was in mass hysteria because I put his english muffin on the table. Yep. Because how dare I remove it from the toaster, slather it in peanut butter, and cut into cute little shapes for him? He doesn’t LIKE his spot at the table any more. He NEEDS his brother’s spot at the table.

I lit the whole fucking table on fire.

Then my bestie, like she can see my mental white flag being waved in the air, text me that it was national coffee day. She has always been my voice of reason. But me.. .being the negative nancy that I am, responded with this…

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Because again, I am committed to this whole alcoholic thing. I’m no quitter.

Also, I’m not currently drinking coffee SO while normally this would be a whole lot like celebrating my birthday, now it’s like it was created just to mock me. I don’t miss coffee, since I have my spark, but I miss the IDEA of coffee.

I’m holding fast. I will not give in. Not to the terrorists or to the nectar of the gods.

Instead I will go home, lock myself in a closet, pour some whiskey in my sippy cup and self soothe.. Also.. I’ll look into getting a new table.

Because after all, I have standards people.

Update to 7 mintues later: I gave in. I have no standards. Zero fucks will be given. This triple shot americano with sugar free coconut is sex in my mouth. YOLO. (for the record, I don’t seriously use the word YOLO except to mock anyone who thinks they can say it and be taken seriously… sort of like flat billed hats).

 

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HOLY SHIT.

Holy. Shit.

You need a damn PHD to start a blog. It’s childproof! I feel like my 85 year old grandmother on Facebook right now.

“Set up your very own blog in less than five minutes!”.

Are you fucking kidding me?

NO. NO. NO.

You can possibly, maybe, figure out your 17 digit password which requires the following: 15 digits of said password in a language you have never learned, a scanned copy of dental records, putting up your first born child as collateral, and finalizing said password with a signature in blood witnessed via skype, in that five minutes  but be assured… You cannot create a blog.

I have no memory of the last 72 hours… I believe I blacked out with rage after I forgot 16 digits of my 17 digit password.

Cheers to my first blog post. HA!

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