Now, if you’ve looked at more than one of my blog posts, or follow me on twitter or instagram, you know that I’m not one for a whole lot of seriousness. Eff that noise, right?!
But I haven’t been completely honest with y’all and figured I may as well get that out of the way here in the beginning.
I spend most of my days, missing someone. I’m not talking the dude I broke up with over a bad brunch and whiskey breath. I mean truly, missing someone. Missing their BEING. Missing the idea of that human being being alive somewhere on this earth. Anywhere. That is missing someone. I had previously taken that notion for-granted. I missed a whole lot of people in the same way I missed a new decent episode of Greys Anatomy. It took a few funerals, a few holes in my heart, to understand what missing one truly meant.
I have said goodbye eleven times in the last seven years without having any say so. I have thrown “dirt” over eleven “coffins” (some or most were cremated). I have prayed eleven times to take my own life rather than theirs. A part of me has died eleven different times in the last seven years. Letting the idea of that sink in is a lot like watching paint dry. Painful and useless. But god, do I miss them.
The degrees of each one are different, I won’t lie about that. But Jesus, there isn’t much I wouldn’t give to hear the sound of their voice again. Note, that even typing that, I close my eyes as if it’s instinct, to hear the faint sound of that memory. They are alive somewhere in there. Somewhere in the person that I used to be when they were alive. Because it changes every time you see. Every time a life ceases to exist, yours changes. Some for the better. Some it was that “aha” moment of, “LIFE IS SHORT! LIVE EACH DAY!!!”. But for some, like me, we already knew what we had, we just didn’t want to imagine a life without it.
I am no expert. Let me be clear with that. But I can tell you from experience, what life will be like once you’ve crossed that line.
1.) You will laugh again… but it will sound different. Something about it will just feel different. That may be guilt, or it may just be fake. But it’s laughter and if nothing else, it’s hoping that there is still a life worth smiling for.
2.) Music, poems, quotes, movies… it will all strike a different chord. Because you hadn’t quite known how to feel that in the deepest part of your being before, and that’s okay… You do now though, you just FEEL it, in a part of yourself that you didn’t know existed. For instance, for me, whenever I hear “Everything happens for a reason.” it makes me want to just explode out of my own fucking skin. What was the reason? Why was THAT reason more important than that person here, living, with me, with the people that loved them? WHY was the reason more important than the PERSON who I am so desperately mourning?
3.) You will be a tornado of feelings. Some days you will feel so pissed you could set someone on fire just by looking at them. Some days you will feel so much sadder than the definition you will literally feel like you are drowning. Oxygen feels like shattered glass being inhaled. Other days, you will feel so empty. Just depleted of everything. You wish you could be sad, or mad, or just hurt. Because that would mean you feel… something. Also note, that on the worst day, you will feel all of these in a single day. Every hour bringing on something worse than the last.
4.) Guilt. So. Much. Guilt. Guilt for laughing. For having fun. For making memories. For living. Survivors guilt. Not in the heat of the moment, but the second that gut aching laugh dies down. There will be a moment of quiet… like a hiccup. A moment when for an instant you have to put your hands on something flat just so you can keep the world from spinning, a moment to bring yourself to the reality of the situation. It is okay to smile again. To feel. It is okay. But, also it’s okay to miss them in that moment. It’s okay. Tell yourself that. Don’t be confused with saying “I’m okay”, tell yourself “It’s okay… it’s okay to miss you, it’s okay to not know how to do anything. It’s okay to just be okay.”
5.) You will barter. Please do not judge me. But there have been times when in the heat of the moment, I have thought, “I will give my life just to hear you. Just to FEEL you. Please. PLEASE! I will give everything.” I meant it. I did. In that moment, there is not a single thing on this earth I wouldn’t give to just, feel you. “Please. God, Please. Hear me.” Don’t beat yourself up over that. Anyone whose lost anyone has thought that and then some. And if you find someone who denies that.. fuck them. They are the lucky and rare ones I suppose.
6.) You will forget. The only thing worst than living with death is forgetting the pieces of those who died. How in the hell do you move on from that? From forgetting someone’s memory? I wish I had an answer. You don’t move on. But listen to me when I tell you, just when you think you have forgotten, truly forgotten, something will happen. Whether it’s real or your subconscious just made it up to cope, something will happen. In that something, you may be flooded or just barely enlightened, of what used to be. One day I swear to god I heard him, not someone who sounded like him, I heard HIM. I was talking to someone at the store, about something I couldn’t give two shits about and I swear I heard him in the next aisle over. Something about olives I think. But it was his voice. I heard it. Memories flooded me like fireworks on the Fourth of July. BAM BAM BAM… there he was… I never forgot… I just didn’t remember. That’s okay. Let yourself feel that.
Please know, that to this day, I still do not know how to exist in a world that they do not. I have no idea. How are they not anywhere on this earth? I don’t know. I do know what it’s like to feel guilty to be alive. I can talk to you all day about that. But what I have figured out is, to let yourself feel all of these things. If you’re like me, find a time a place alone to feel them. Let them be real. Let the memory of them and the sadness of letting them go, let all of it be real and feel it. If not, you yourself will turn into something they wouldn’t remember.
I am so tired of saying goodbye without having the choice, but I am more tired of not living. So live, if not for you, than for them.