I gave up coffee.


That stuff was the sweet nectar of my life. From the moment I woke up when my love brought me my first cup of the day as a barter to get my ass out of bed, which at 5 AM is a lot like a scene from The Exorcist, until the moment I would wind down at the end of the night with a cup on my night stand. Coffee and oxygen were one in the same. Hot, Iced, intravenously, weak, strong, black, creamy, crappy, decent, I didn’t discriminate. Just give me the damn juice.

But, in all my years of drinking coffee, it never really did anything for me. There was no sudden, or gradual even, burst of energy. It didn’t get me through an afternoon slump or make a Monday any less of a Monday. To put it simply, I just liked the taste. Kind of like bacon. Doesn’t do a damn thing for you, but I’d sure as shit punch a kitten for some.

SO… when I jumped head first into the Advocare world, I about stroked out when I realized they don’t advise drinking coffee on the challenge. It was like I was reading a foreign language. No coffee? I don’t understand. What does that mean? Nooooo, coffffeeeeeee? Even sounding it out didn’t help.

But whatever.. I paid for the shit so you better believe I’m gonna do what it says.. or at least try it. I’ve heard about this Spark drink they all hoot and holler about but believe me there is no replacement for the lifelong friendship I’ve had with espresso. None. It’s the bloods and the crips as far as I’m concerned.

Then I tried it.

I’ll be a son of a bitch.

It’s amazing.. of course… because anything I throw a fit about is almost always sure to turn around and make me look like an idiot.

It’s kind of like when you go to take a picture of something with your phone and it’s out of focus. You touch the object you’re trying to snap a photo of and it focuses in and is crystal clear. That’s Spark.

What’s better than Spark mixed with water per the instructions?

THIS. IMG_1691

Heaven help me.

Directions (super complicated here folks):

  • Mix one scoop spark with 4 oz water in protein shaker.
  • Pour 4 oz over ice in large glass as shown above
  • Then pour in any flavor La Croix sparkling water.
  • Squeeze around a quarter of a lime
  • Give a good stir
  • Die happy.

The end.



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Good health has not been on my side for awhile now, but it’s been increasingly worse the last 6 months or so. I eat semi-clean. I don’t smoke. I don’t sit on my hiney all day. But when it really comes down to it those are the only two things I really do to benefit my health. SO I decided “fuck that”.

I wanted a change and I’m the type of person that’s all or nothing, in every single aspect of my life. I had dissed Advocare openly FOREVER.. but then the idea of a sudden, all in jumpstart to good health wasn’t sounding so bad.. I have always said, “just get off your ass and put down the damn chicken nuggets”. Boom, my intellectual words of wisdom. “Advocare is FULL of chemicals!”.. yes.. there’s some chemicals in there… but I promise there’s a shit ton more in that brownie batter blizzard you’re about to motorboat.


Now THIS, is something you can motorboat. I want it in and around my mouth.

I started a few months ago, did a challenge, lost 13 lbs and 12 inches! Then life happened and I decided again that I was okay with feeling like shit and went back to intravenously taking in coffee, eating like a bird throughout the day, and motorboating blizzards at night. (“You motorboating son of a bitch, you!” Jeremy-Wedding Crashers)

So here I am. Back at it. Halfway through another challenge and two bags of potatoes lighter. Given, I’m still learning all the ropes of it, but I can truly say, I am enjoying every second of it. I feel better than I have in over a year. I don’t feel like a extra on The Walking Dead. I can think clearly. There’s no more exorcism’s at 5AM. I don’t feel like an all around asshole 20 hours out of the day. Stay tuned for before and afters!



Also, please email me with any questions whiskeysippy@gmail.com!


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