“I am going to lose it..”
“I can’t keep doing this…”
“It’s not supposed to be like this…”
“What kind of mother feels this way?”
I think at LEAST one of those thoughts a day. More specifically in the morning shuffle as I’m trying to get the kids to school and myself to work. Those thoughts then manifest into “I’m going insane.” “Why can’t SOMETHING just be simple?” “How in the hell am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life.”
Picture this: Here I am, hiding in the laundry room and it’s not even 7 AM. I just screamed at my son because once again he is being a jerk and yelling at his brother. So I screamed at him, to express that him screaming is not okay or acceptable in this house. Totally logical right?
“I need a fucking break” I murmur in my head. But this is not something you can rejuvenate from in an hour. This isn’t a “girls night” (what’s that btw?) fix. This isn’t even a week long bahama vacation type of thing, although I wouldn’t turn that down for nothin’. This is a “create a life you don’t have to escape from” deal. Which some or most days, just isn’t in the cards
I have this taped on my fridge. Just in case I forget.
So I’m in the laundry room, trying to prevent an all out break down because this is about much more than a simple sibling tiff, and my little beast walks in and says,
“Momma, can I have some juice?”
“Just give me a minute bud. I’ll get it, okay?”
“Okay… Oh, Momma?”
“You have boo-tuh-full hair.”
And JUST. LIKE.THAT my heart just combusts. Like the Grinch in that one scene, it breaks the cage around itself. I am brought back down from this reality I have created in my head that my house is an insane asylum and I’m this angry bitch of a mother. I am reminded that I have two sweet, gorgeous little boys who understand that even Momma’s need a reminder sometimes that
It is exhausting. I’m exhausted. LIFE is exhausting. I’m so drained some days that just typing this, saying it “out loud” makes my eyes well up and that is not an easy feat. Is this how we are supposed to feel? How can a mother feel this way about her own kids? That’s wrong. No mother feels like that. You’re alone in that. You’re a horrible mom.
Except you’re not. You’re not any of those things. Feelings don’t make you who you are. Actions might, but even then you aren’t your worst mistakes. You’re more than that. There is a million people out there thinking the same shit. If you are one that has never thought or felt any of this, well… come to my house and we can fix that.
You have to find things that you can control, to bring a little joy and humor into those moments when you’re locking yourself in the laundry room. Write, find a hobby, mix a drink, buy some shoes, go workout, vent to some friends, hell even look in the humor section of Pinterest. I’ve done all of these things. My preference is the writing, shoes, and of course mixing a drink if my site title didn’t give it away. But that’s half the reason I started this blog. Something about putting all your shit on paper, gets rid of it… for a moment at least.
Once you’e done that, and drug yourself out of your funk. Get to work. Start creating that life that you don’t need to hide from. You will always have these moments, but the key is how often and how long those moments last. Take control of your life. Make an actual plan. You got this and for what it’s worth, I’m with you each step of the way. Me and my whiskey.